Category Archive: Trash Talk

Sep
08

Week One Picks

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September 8, 2011

Ladies & gentlemen… it’s FOOTBALL time! I know we have all been awaiting the season anxiously and it starts tonight. As I did last year, I will be posting my picks every Wednesday or Thursday and at the end of the season, we’ll see what my accuracy is.

I was planning to post my picks last night, but I was busy doing other things. So let’s jump right in with two teams I can’t stand!

Saints vs Packers

In a perfect world, both of these teams would lose every game all season long. Unfortunately that isn’t the case in this realm so one of these teams is going to win. We have little data to analyze yet, so week 1 picks are always hard. Aaron Rodgers seems to be a little edgy, getting on Mark Sanchez for his GQ photo shoot. When AR is on edge, he throws to his imaginary receivers, so for this game, I’m going to pick the Saints over the Packers, 21 – 17 even though they’re playing at Lameblow. I’ll end this pick with this: No Pack No and Saints Bleaux.

Steelers vs Ravens

Every time these teams play, we have to hear incessant babble about this “historic division rivalry”. Can a rivalry really be historic when the Ravens are a “new team” by NFL standards? Since the Ravens were stupid enough to pick up Bryant McKinnie (because they’re apparently under the mistaken impression that he actually TRIES), I have to pick the Steelers in this game. Even though they totally let me down in February and I’m still angry. Steelers 24, Ravens 20.

Falcons vs Bears

Two words: Jay Cutler. There’s no way the Bears win this one, even at home. Well – if Cutler got a lobotomy in the off-season in an effort to change his work ethic, they might, but I didn’t see any reports of that happening. I think the little Matty Ryan aerial show will dominate Soldier Field. Falcons 27, Bears 14.

I just noticed I’ve picked the away team for every game so far. Let’s see how that works out for me!

Bengals vs Browns

With the Owens/Ochocinco show in the rear view mirror, who will be catching those Andy Dalton lasers? Haven’t been following along with the Carson Palmer drama in my former place of residence? Neither have I, but it appears that Palmer definitely did not report to training camp… and may/may not be retired. With or without Palmer, the Bengals aren’t going to be winning this one. And it’s not because I suddenly think that Colt McCoy is going to be the next Roger Staubach. Too much upheaval in Cinci and the team needs to settle. Browns 24, Bengals 10.

Colts vs Texans

Peyton Manning is the big story here. Numerous reports say that he’s going to need a 3rd procedure on his neck and he may be out for the entire season. As much as the Forehead irritates me, I feel for him. The neck is nothing to mess with. And, being a fellow sufferer of neurological issues stemming from my own neck, I have a hard time imagining him being able to return from this. His NFL consecutive game streak will end at 208, leaving Brett Favre’s 297 regular season games record safe for at least a decade. Texans 20, Colts 7.

Titans vs Jaguars

With Chris Johnson all signed, safe & sound, and the recent release of David Garrard by the Jaguars, I think that the Titans will be able to pull this one off, even though the Vince Young drama has been replaced by the Matt Hasselbeck show. The good news for the Jaguar fans though is that they were actually able to sell out the game, so they’ll be able to watch their team lose on TV. Titans 17, Jaguars 7.

Bills vs Chiefs

The Chiefs are tough to beat at home. I can still remember last year’s game against the Bolts, with rain pounding down and the Chiefs dominating the whole field. The Bills picked up Tyler Thigpen in the off-season, but Fitzpatrick will be the starting QB. Arthur Moats, the WSL infamous for ending Brett Favre’s consecutive start streak on my birthday last year, is #2 in the depth chart this season. Hopefully Matt Cassel escapes the game unscathed. Chiefs 27, Bills 17.

Eagles vs Rams

The Eagles made the play-offs last year. Of course, our own Joe Webb (along with Antoine Winfield) tore up the Eagles late last season, and Matt Hasselbeck ended the Rams’ season in a week 17 showdown, sending a team with a losing record to the play-offs for the first time ever. With dog-murderering Vick reaping a huge pay-day and Bradford being a 2nd-year guy, I think the Eagles will dominate this match up. Eagles 28, Rams 14.

Lions vs Buccaneers

With Matt Stafford healthy, the Lions will have a strong season. He should probably have a chat with Ndamukong Suh about dirty play and injuring QBs so he doesn’t face any retaliation. Yeah Suh, I’m talking to you about cleaning up your game. The Bucs have a pair of Joshes at the QB position. Freeman will get the start, but I don’t believe that an improved Bucs team is going to beat a Lions team finding its roar. Lions 24, Bucs 13.

Panthers vs Cardinals

The Panthers have a total of 9 years of experience across all of their QBs, with their 3rd string QB Derek Anderson having the bulk of those (7). In this game we’re going to see just what Cam Newton can do. One has to wonder how Jimmy Clausen is feeling after being usurped by the rookie. The Cardinals have signed Larry Fitzgerald (who is a Viking at heart, of course) to a long-term deal. He’ll have Kevin Kolb throwing the ball to him. Will that combination work? I’m sure we all remember when the Packers took Kolb out of the game last year, allowing Vick to stake his claim on the Eagles’ offense. Let’s watch and see! Cardinals 21, Panthers 10.

Vikings vs Chargers

Looks like the Chargers managed to sell out this game, so my friend Raven will be able to watch the game on TV out in San Diego. McNabb and the offense have shown some chemistry for the Vikings. We have concerns in the defensive secondary and a QB like Philip Rivers will try to make the most of that. Will the Vikings, led by McNabb and Adrian Peterson, want to put 2010 behind them enough to make a statement? I think they will. Vikings 24, Chargers 21.

Seahawks vs 49ers

The Seachickens travel to historic Candlestick Park for this match up. From the Puget Sound to the San Francisco Bay. With our former Vikings at the offensive helm, the Hawks, under head coach Pete Carroll, will be taking on new coach Jim Harbaugh and the much beleaguered Alex Smith at QB. Those of us in the know already question Carroll’s thought process in bringing on Tarvaris Jackson as the starting QB. Even with turncoat Sidney Rice on the roster, T-Jack isn’t going to suddenly become an NFL-level QB. 49ers 28, Seahawks 10.

Giants vs Redskins

Last season, current Viking QB McNabb was famously benched and Rex Grossman was given the start for the Redskins. Sad Eli Manning is the only Manning playing this weekend for the first time in a decade. Will the Redskins be united around Grossman? Will Eli be too emotional about his brother’s status to be effective? I think it will be a close game but ultimately the home team will triumph. Redskins 21, Giants 17.

Cowboys vs Jets

Tony Romo is back from a broken clavicle and Mark Sanchez is on the cover of GQ. Sanchez may be a pretty boy, but he looked pretty good for most of last season (despite his penchant for crumbling under pressure). Romo looked like he is still getting back in the swing of things during the 3rd preseason game. Were it not for Sensabaugh, the Vikings would have won that match up – so he definitely wasn’t dominating. Home field advantage is the key here. Jets 19, Cowboys 14.

Patriots vs Dolphins

I’ve already seen predictions that the Patriots will be in the Super Bowl, and even win it, this year. I’m not sure what these analysts saw in the 3 quarters two weeks ago to lead them to believe that, but let’s see if Tom Brady can outmaneuver Chad Henne on the Dolphin’s home turf. With the Moss drama of last season over, will the Patriots regain their once-perennial dominance? Or will the Dolphins’ new RB Reggie Bush destroy the Patriots’ defense? Patriots 24, Dolphins 13.

Raiders vs Broncos

The Raiders are traveling from sea level to Mile High Stadium this weekend where Jason Campbell will be attempting to out-play Kyle Orton on his home turf. Will the thin air make Campbell’s head spin, or is the lack of any decent receivers already enough to do it? Orton was called “effective” during the preseason (while Tebow didn’t help his cause). I believe the Broncos will be bucking right over the Raiders. Broncos 28, Raiders 10.

Okay Vikings Nation – the football season is upon us. Next Tuesday, I’ll post the results of my Week One Picks and don’t miss my Packer’s game review tonight and my Vikings’ Game Breakdown on Sunday night.

Wear your purple tomorrow and Show Your Horns! Skol!

Gratuitous image of AR being sacked by Jared Allen. Skol people!

 

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Aug
21

Favre Sighting in Green Bay?

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August 21, 2011

ProFootballTalk is reporting that a fake Brett Favre has been sighted signing autographs in the fine city of Green Bay.

Brett in the RIGHT colors.

Imagine my glee upon reading this report. To envision a bunch of drunk Packer fans vying for the attention of a fake Brett Favre just makes me laugh. As if he would waste his time going back there unannounced? How delusional are these people?

It’s as if those cheddar wedges they love to sport on their heads has cut off the oxygen, causing brain cell death. Keep on rocking Green Bay!

This report, plus a Vikings win, has ensured that I have a fabulous weekend!

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Jan
09

The Packers: 90% Luck, 10% Skill

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January 9, 2011

Packer Fans: These are the people for whom the team fights.

Well. The Packers “won”. And by “won” I mean the Eagles lost because their place kicker, David Akers, missed 2 field goals that would have ensured a win and the amoral and overrated Vick ended the game with an interception in the end zone, doing his best Jay Cutler impersonation.

This is the trouble with wanting another team to do well on your behalf: it rarely ever happens. I wanted the Eagles to beat the Packers ergo it wasn’t going to happen. But it’s not my fault! It’s the Eagles. Let’s face it – the Eagles and the Packers didn’t really belong in the post-season. The Giants and the Buccaneers would have been more appropriate, given their teams’ performance over the course of the season. The Packers snuck in, not only through a game in which the Bears had nothing to fight for, but they were also credited with at least 2 wins that were handed to them by the officials when they played the Lions & the Vikings earlier in the season. Were it not for that, we wouldn’t be talking about their lack of a running game because they wouldn’t be traipsing around in the post-season.

Michael Vick: More Overrated than Aaron Rodgers

But I digress. The Eagles were terrible today. It’s awesome that Vick shot himself in the foot when it comes to the MVP race, because who really wants a dog murderer to win something after pretending he didn’t know that what he was doing was wrong? The Eagles defense was a mixed bag of great plays and great mistakes. I wonder if Akers’ contract is up because if I were Andy Reid, I would be trying out some kickers in the off-season. Heck – Akers’ contract doesn’t even have to be up – just bring in some competition!

The Packers weren’t that great either. Remember, this is an Eagles team that got blown out of the water by the Minnesota Vikings a couple of weeks back. Our 3rd string QB tore up that Eagles defense. And the Packers couldn’t even score as many points as the discombobulated Vikings did.

Aaron Rodgers logged another huge chunk of rushing yards for the Packers so that it looks like they have a run game. Or would have. Let me be more precise: AR dashed around for his life, but he also lost a lot of yardage on sacks so he only netted out at 4 yards. His longest rush was 8 yards. His efforts constitute a “huge” chunk for a team that barely averages 100 yards rushing per game during the regular season. He also fumbled and helped the other team put up a TD, which seems VERY familiar (see: Wild Card game, Packers vs Cardinals, 2009).

Aaron Rodgers: Fumble-rama!

So the hated Packers move on to the divisional round. I thought I’d care more, but it turns out I don’t like the Eagles either – especially with Mikey Vick leading the offense - so I’m totally agnostic. We already know that the Falcons can beat the Packers. So I remain calm as the Packers’ demise is just one week away. Give their fans a little hope – and then take it away. That would be tremendous. Maybe then the Packer fans could stop shouting about how much better ARodg is than Favre. I’m tired of listening to it. Another play-off loss by ARodg will break their tiny little hearts and remind them that Brett Favre brought their team out of 20+ years of complete & utter irrelevancy and perhaps should be referred to with a little more respect.

Wait. I’m trying to use logic on Packer fans. What am I thinking? We all know they don’t use – or understand – logic. I apologize.

On a different note: the FOX commentators were a hot mess tonight. I don’t know who dressed Jimmy Johnson, but I’m sorry to say that a pink shirt with a lime green tie and a different green pocket square – no matter how intricately folded – do NOT match. Please refrain from that color combo going forward.

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Jan
09

Jets vs Colts: A Whole Lotta Meh…?

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January 9, 2011

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I don’t like Peyton Manning. Now, I’m not saying my dislike of him is rational. I can’t even articulate why I don’t like him. I don’t know if it stems from my time in Cincinnati, watching Bengals fans jump ship to suddenly become Colts fans because they were the hot team (fans I like to call “turncoats”) or if I truly do hate his forehead, instead of just mocking its size to have something snarky to say. Again, no idea.

But I did want the Colts to lose yesterday. Of course, I wanted the Jets to lose too after the Sal Alosi incident and the Hard Knocks show and the Rex Ryan & his wife foot-fetish scandal. Due to the way these games are played, both teams can’t lose. So I had to pick one I wanted to lose more – and I did, and they did. Indeed, the Colts will not be proceeding on to the divisional round next week.

That means no XLIV rematch, praise Odin. Frankly, neither the Colts nor the Jets looked like they even belonged in the post-season. Talk about 2 anemic offensive attacks. Aerial attacks mostly weren’t working, so both teams took to the ground. Joseph Addai would wind up and run forward, dragging defenders with him. LT, on the other hand, had a bit more finesse, actually waiting for holes to open and then cruising through.

Mark Sanchez could not get it together yesterday. He continually overthrew receivers. In fact, ol’ Rexy basically had to dial down the air attack in favor of the running game and the wild cat. I’m not sure that Mark Sanchez should be a starting QB in the NFL. I know he’s led his team to the post-season 2 years in a row, but he melts down a lot. The Jets might want to take a longer look at their QB situation.

Peyton Manning will be 35 when the 2011 season starts. He, too, melted down a lot this year. I wonder how much longer he’ll play. When he set a new NFL record earlier this season as the only player since the AFL/NFL merger in 1970 to throw two pick-6s in 2 consecutive games, many announcers wondered aloud if Peyton’s skills were declining with age. He seemed to rally after a tough 4 game stretch, but it will be interesting to see what 2011 brings.

So the Colts are out and the Jets move on. I’m getting what I wished for. Now, I just need the Eagles to beat the Packers and I’ll be able to enjoy the post-season despite the Vikings not being in it.

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Jan
09

Oh Neaux, Say it Ain’t Seaux!

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January 9, 2011

Drew Brees, Matt Hasselbeck

As a long-suffering Vikings fan, there’s one team that has drawn my ire since last season’s NFCCG like no other team in the NFL has ever been able to: the Saints.

I’m not going to rehash the late hits on Favre, the 3 injured Vikings players that had to have surgery after that game (Favre, Rice, Griffin) or the horrific calls by the officials in OT. I won’t even bring up the Saints’ extremely dirty hit on Kurt Warner in the divisional round. Or, maybe I will.

I never cared about the Saints until last year, because prior to winning last year’s Super Bowl, they were completely irrelevant. But after their performance in last year’s NFCCG, I’ve had Sean Payton, Gregg Williams and Bobby McCray on my radar. With the release of McCray before the 2010 season, I was allowed to focus on the 2 coaches, hoping for their complete and utter failure.

I didn’t want the “Who Dat” to “Two Dat”. I wanted them to flame out and choke with no chance at a post-season. Unfortunately, they were able to earn the #5 seed in the NFC. Privately, I worried that they would march their way through the competition and have a shot at a second Super Bowl. I was especially disheartened when the Seahawks beat the Rams and entered the post-season as the first team in NFL history to have a losing record going into the play-offs. I figured there was no way that the Saints would lose to the Seahawks.

Turns out, I needn’t have worried! The Seahawks owned the Saints yesterday and I was glad. There were some tense moments in the 4th quarter when I thought that the Saints were going to come roaring back… but a completely botched on-side kick and a Marshawn Lynch 67-yard run for a TD ensured that Pete Carroll and his Seachickens would live to see another day… all while sending those stupid Saints back to the bayou.

Praise Odin. If we couldn’t do it, then at least the Seahawks could. I didn’t care who did it – just as long as it was done.

So good-bye stupid Saints commercials. No more ticker-tape parades for you. Get your paper bags out, Saints fans – you’re on the down swing now and I shall enjoy it. May it be another 40 years before your team matters again. Hope you enjoyed your year in the spotlight. Now it’s time for you to geaux and take your stupid Who Dat chant with you.

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Jan
03

Potential Vikings/Packers Peace Treaty?

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January 3, 2011

Percy Harvin: Nobel Peace Prize or Enemy Infiltration?

As we all know, there is a somewhat contentious rivalry between the fans of the Green Bay Packers and the much more congenial fans of the Minnesota Vikings. It’s a rivalry that goes back to 1961, when the Minnesota expansion team entered the division.

During our first few years, we lulled the division into complacency by flying below the radar. If I were to equate it to Risk, we were quietly adding men on Australia and Papua New Guinea while the other teams fought it out over Europe. Suddenly, we stormed Africa and walked away with the 1969 NFL Championship – the last one of its kind – and subsequently lost in the AFL/NFL “Super Bowl” Championship game.

In 1970, the AFL and NFL merged to create the modern-day NFL. And we’ve owned our division ever since. 18 division titles, with Chicago next at 10 with the one they added this year. This dominance is what has caused the Green Bay Packer fans to turn west from Chicago and fix us in their steely glare.

Charles Woodson: Friendly rival or Sneaky Spy?

But there is hope! As the Vikings prepared to break camp today after their final team meeting, Percy Harvin mentioned that he and Charles Woodson, veteran cornerback for the Green Bay Packers, had plans to work out together in the off-season. Woodson has said that Percy Harvin is one of the best receivers he’s ever had to cover. Percy said that infiltration is the best way to bring down the enemy. Okay – he didn’t say that out loud… he just said it in my head.

Could this be the event that thaws the icy relationship between Packers and Vikings fans? Probably not, but hopefully Percy will be able to gather some intelligence and keep mum on secrets of the Vikings.

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Dec
30

ARodg & the Pro-Bowl: A Packerland Meltdown

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December 30, 2010

When Cheeseheads meltdown: FONDUE!

Packer Nation is in a full-blown meltdown this week after the release of the 2011 Pro-Bowl Rosters. By meltdown I mean that the Packers fans are rabidly angry that their best QB since Bart Starr has been snubbed by the selection committee. Revisionist Packer history now ignores Favre and has long ignored the total irrelevancy of the team between Bart Starr and Brett Favre. But I digress.

Does Aaron Rodgers deserve a spot on the Pro-Bowl roster? I say no, he does not.

Aaron Rodgers currently has the same post-season record as Tarvaris Jackson. Oh yes, that’s a true statement. Aaron Rodgers has not yet, in 3 starting seasons, led a game winning drive in a come-from-behind situation. The closest he’s gotten is the recent game against the Falcons. He led a game-tying drive and then was out-performed by Matt Ryan who actually DID lead a game-winning drive in the final seconds of the game.

Aaron Rodgers may have some incredible stats, but any discerning football fan knows that his stats are heavily padded by the lack of a run game and the absolute need to throw the ball. Aaron Rodgers is a great fantasy football QB, but he has yet to prove he’s clutch when needed.

Take, for example, last year’s Wild Card game against the Arizona Cardinals, which was an incredible show of horrendous defense by both teams. In sudden death OT, Rodgers fumbled the ball and then proceeded to drop kick it into the waiting arms of an on-coming defender, who took it to the house for the win. Is that an example of being clutch? I think not.

The NFC selections for the Pro Bowl are Michael Vick, who’s this year’s “Saints-like” drama that the NFL loves to promote, and a whole different topic for me. Matt Ryan in his 3rd season has led several game winning drives as he’s taken his team to the brink of the #1 seed. And Drew Brees? As much as I hate the Saints and that stupid Who Dat chant Drew likes to lead before games, it’s a fact that he’s the reigning Super Bowl MVP.

Packer fans will continue to meltdown over this until the end of the season because they’re completely unable to look at anything objectively. Better luck next year, Packer fans.

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Dec
29

Aaron Rodgers: Premature Celebration

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December 29, 2010

An oldie from my former blog…

Aaron Rodgers has invented a new “celebration”. Fortunately, the Packers weren’t televised as an important game yesterday – at least in my market – so I didn’t have to witness this atrocity first-hand.

As an aside, to add insult to injury to this mediocre team, if the season were to end today, the Packers wouldn’t even make the play-offs. You see, their record in the NFC isn’t what it needs to be to actually secure a spot as a Wild Card team… since they’re not winning the division after their hilarious loss to the Falcons yesterday.

In fact, this was supposed to be the “Year of the Take Over”. See – they’re coming from behind in the division because the Packers really haven’t accomplished much with that new QB they keep insisting is better than Favre so they actually have to PLAN to try to take things over.

None of this matters to Aaron Rodgers though! He likes to celebrate every meager accomplishment. Complete a throw to a visible receiver? Fist pump. Score a TD? Very feminine & graceful gazelle leap with fist pump. And now, a new celebration has been added to his repertoire:

"I hope that's just a fart!"

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